Amanda Bynes has taken time out of her busy day of talking to rocks and smashing into parked cars to break her silence about her life as a tabloid fixture, proclaiming "I'm doing amazing."

In other words, she lies. A lot.

In a phone interview with PEOPLE, Bynes said she's perfectly fine, thanks, and added that she's leaving her life as a thespian behind and tackling a new venture.

"I am retired as an actor," she declared. "I am moving to New York to launch my career. I am going to do a fashion line."

Upon hearing this, the drivers of Los Angeles breathed a collective sigh of relief, but New Yorkers? You're on notice.

The weekly described Bynes as "respectful and polite" during the phone chat, which is typical behavior for someone who tokes up on the regular. But while she may partake of the herbage, she says what she doesn't do is drink.

"I am not talking about being arrested for DUI because I don't drink, and I don't drink and drive," she asserted. "It is all false."

Then she scolded the leprechauns scurrying at her feet and went outside to feed her herd of unicorns.