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‘The Bachelor’ Recap – Season 17 Episode 7 – Two More Ladies Get the Steel Toe of a Reality Show Boot

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Sean’s world tour on ‘The Bachelor’ continued on Monday’s episode, with six groupies women desperate to accompany him on the talk show circuit marry him hot on his heels.

Sean and the six women flew together to St. Croix and checked into the Buccaneer hotel, which is the perfect title, since the ladies are pretty much nothing more than his wenches. Then, Sean went out on four dates. Man, does this guy have more dates than a box of granola or what?

Date #1 - Part 1

Sean and AshLee sailed on a catamaran to their own private island. AshLee continued to play up the “it feels so good to work through my abandonment issues with Sean” angle. She also told him the truth about how Tierra is a polarizing force in the house when Sean flat-out asked her. Then they made out on the beach in a scene that looked so ripped from ‘From Here to Eternity,’ ABC should’ve gotten a copyright lawyer on retainer before the opening credits on ‘Castle’ ran.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Part 2

AshLee and Sean had dinner on the beach, surrounded by candles and drinking the requisite wine. AshLee had a dirty secret from her past that she was afraid to reveal. While I was rooting for something juicy like she’s a dude or a Detroit Lions fan, it turned out she had gotten married when she was 17.

That’s no biggie. Everyone does stupid things at that age – I asked two girls to my prom and my wife didn’t hold it against me 15 years later. Hell, “17” is actually Latin for “poor decision-maker.”

Sean was totally okay with her matrimonial mistake and she was so wowed by it that she announced “I love you.” On what was officially their second date. Yikes! She also said she will never stop telling him she loves him. Double yikes!

Date #2 – Part 1

Sean and Tierra went shopping around town. She wasn’t thrilled with the date because it was hot and she thought he might take her on a boat because she likes boats. The poor thing, right!? He bought her an eternity bracelet (because apparently this was a date between 12-year-olds) and she appreciated it, as any good gold-digger would.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Then, somehow, a parade marched by and they wound up dancing in the middle of it, which happens all the time. I mean, who among us hasn’t scored a gig as the grand marshal of the Rose Bowl Parade simply by being there? After they busted a move, Sean asked Tierra if things had gotten better in the house, which made her think someone may have been talking smack about her to him.

Part 2

The dashing duo went to dinner at a sugar mill, where Tierra said she thought Sean was distant earlier in the day. He said it was probably because of the drama with the other women. They went to the beach and she fulfilled her part of the ‘Bachelor’ contract by revealing she’s falling for him – even though this is actually their first official date. Sean still believed she’s a sweet girl, despite the fact she comes with more baggage than the luggage carousel at LAX.

Date #3

Sean walked into the women’s room (wait – isn’t that breaking and entering? I never got away with this move when I was single. I mean, I can’t imagine I would’ve gotten away with this move if I had tried it.) at 4 a.m. and took pictures of Desiree, Catherine and Lindsay because he wanted to see what they looked like without makeup. And the women are drooling over this clown? What a jerk!

As a man, I have to say it would’ve been much more interesting if he walked into the room and saw the women going at it like sorority girls watching ‘Wild Things.’ That’d be a twist no one saw coming.

Sean actually woke the women up so they could drive to the easternmost point on the island to watch the sunrise and be the first people in the US to see it. You know what’d be even better? Sleeping in. People want to relax on an island, you know. Afterwards, they spent the day on a road trip, heading west to see the sun go down from the westernmost point of the island. Catherine and Lindsay seemed to be annoyed Desiree stole so much of his attention (maybe they should spend more time trying to talk to him instead of whining in confessionals). Eventually, they made it all the way west and hung out on the beach.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

And if you think the women on the show have daddy issues, well, you’re right. Catherine revealed her father lives in China, has battled depression and once tried to kill himself. Wow, heavy stuff and even heavier considering last week she told Sean the story about how she saw her friend die when she got hit by a tree at the age of 12. I’m thinking Sean wants to keep her around because she’s got this funky ‘Final Destination’ vibe.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

At the end of the date, Sean gave the rose to Lindsay (this was the only date with a rose on the line), although he said it was the hardest decision he’s made so far by a mile. Hmm, it seems every decision this guy makes is hard. I’d hate to watch him try and choose between French toast and pancakes at Denny’s.

The foursome toasted at sunset, although they couldn’t see the sun, which means ABC is probably going to sue the skyline for breach of contract.

Date #4

Sean’s date with Lesley was so lame and so boring, there was only one part to it. It was like watching C-Span — with the sound off. They walked around a plantation and picked fruit. It actually came off more like a fourth grade field trip than a date. And Sean was concerned because he didn’t feel their relationship was where it needed to be and he was developing stronger feelings for other women.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Lesley said she always thought women on ‘The Bachelor’ were fools when they said they were falling for the guy, but now she understood. What a fool! She had trouble telling him, though, about her feelings and Sean was bothered by her lack of confidence and inability to express herself when it came to their relationship.

Tierra Versus AshLee

Tierra finally confronted AshLee, claiming she had sabotaged her relationship with Sean. AshLee claimed Tierra was just not nice to anyone.

While they verbally duked it out, Sean chatted with his sister, whom he flew into St. Croix to help him out. Sean said he didn’t want to be the guy who picked the woman who can’t get along with other women. While he said this, Tierra was having a meltdown of polar ice cap proportion, ripping AshLee for not being married at the age of 32 (because that’s clearly more ridiculous than looking for love on ‘The Bachelor’).

The fight escalated and then Tierra uttered words that I’m convinced will go down in TV lore along the likes of ‘We were on a break’ from ‘Friends’ and ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that’ from ‘Seinfeld.’ Are you ready?

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Tierra said, “I can’t control my eyebrow.” You don’t need the context, you just need to know it was absurd that sequence of words came out of someone’s mouth in the heat of battle.

Sean decided he wanted his sister to meet Tierra, so he went to get her in her room. AMAZINGLY, the fight just wrapped up when he walked in and Tierra was crying (although her eyes weren’t red), which has pretty much been the standard act whenever Sean tracked her down. She explained she has a big heart (if you have to say it, chances are you don’t), but is scared of this process. Sean’s eyes looked glazed, kind like ABC decided to bill him for all the dates they’ve been sending him on.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Sean had the epiphany women all over the country have known for weeks: He needed to get rid of this crazy bat. He finally sent her home, saying he’s crazy about her, but he felt it would be for the best for her. She bawled in the car on the way home (this time the tears looked real).

Fret not, Tierra fans. She boldly declared that no one will take her sparkle away. You go, girl. I mean, you go AWAY girl. We’ve had enough of you.

Rose Ceremony

Sean put the kibosh on the cocktail party and told the five remaining women what happened with Tierra, He said he wasn’t interested in drama and looked right at AshLee when he did, which made her think her dream of becoming Mrs. Sean Whatever His Last Name Is might be coming to an end.

Luckily for her, Lesley was the one who didn’t get a rose, a fact you kind of saw coming after their yawner of a date. On her way out, Lesley said, “Rejection doesn’t feel good.” In case you didn’t know that. The good news for her is she can go back to her career as a political consultant where she will deal with people only slightly more off-the-wall than the women on ‘The Bachelor.’

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Strangely, Catherine started crying after Lesley got the boot, claiming Sean had more in common with her and it shattered her belief system. Ooooookay, then, you strange ball of desperation. Not sure why you’re upset. You got a free ticket to visit your family on next week’s episode where the four remaining women will take Sean home. Be happy already.

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