The Next Christmas Controversy: A Clam-Flavored Candy Cane
Well, my fellow Central New Yorker, you can now adorn your tree - and your taste buds - with a clam-flavored candy cane.
The fact that we can even buy a clam-flavored candy cane puts all of this year's holiday controversies into perspective: we're being punked. That's the only explanation.
First, there was the controversy over 'Baby, It's Cold Outside', then there were suggestions that 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' should be banned because it depicts Rudy getting bullied by the other reindeer. Of course we can't forget the survey where some folks suggested it was time to re-brand Santa as gender-neutral or a woman. All of those were pretty insane - but now - there are clam candy canes. CLAMDY CANES, if we're going for 100% accuracy here.
If this isn't definitive proof that we're being punked, frankly, I don't know what is.
Someone, somewhere, is engineering all of these absurd takes on Christmas just to see how we'll react. Maybe this is all a giant Jimmy Kimmel challenge: "I Ruined Christmas, Jimmy Kimmel!" Perhaps it's all a vast social media campaign staged by aliens just to see how humans will react?
Who in their right mind creates a clamdy cane?
I love clams. I love them fried. I love them over linguine from Delmonico's. I love them chowdered. I do not love them enough to eat them in a candy cane. If you have that kind of unhealthy relationship with clams...maybe try listening to 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' while watching 'Rudolph' and thinking MAN Santa thoughts. And have a normal fricking candy cane.