5 Programs I Would Offer if I Bought Cazenovia College
Last week the news broke that Cazenovia College was officially up for sale, after nearly 200 years as an educational institution in Central New York.
Naturally, this news was disheartening for the community. So much of the town's identity is wrapped up in that place. Once it closes its doors for good, many people are wondering what the ripple effects might be. The 198th -- and final -- commencement ceremony will take place Saturday, May 13th, 2023... what happens after that is anyone's guess.
The sale is being handled by A&G Real Estate Partners and includes the 27-acre main campus, in addition to the nearby 244-acre equestrian center.
It's not everyday a college goes up for sale. What does that entail? Who buys a college? What would be involved in starting your own? Without doing any of that research, I started fantasizing about what programs I'd offer if I ran it.
The programs I have in mind would provide zero real world experience, making it a perfect Liberal Arts college that would cost exorbitant amounts of money to attend.
So let's get started!
ADVANCED BIGFOOT HUNTING TECHNIQUES
It's high time we found him. I don't understand how this isn't a bigger issue with people. I think if we truly pooled our resources together -- and got some of the best inquisitive young minds behind it -- we could finally find this hairy bastard. What are we waiting for?!
PRO WRESTLING STUDIES
I think it was Vince McMahon who said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” It's essential today's young people understand important historical events like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant, Ric Flair forming the Four Horsemen, The Undertaker being buried alive, etc. Enrollees will also learn the best ways to thwart a steel chair attack.
Swords may not have as much practical use as they did in, say, the Dark Ages, but that doesn't mean making them is any less badass. If anything else, gamer dorks still like to display them on their walls.
SERIAL KILLER PSYCHOLOGY
America has serial killer fever right now. Seems like every streaming platform's got a documentary on Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, The Night Stalker, etc. Why not take the best of these documentaries and turn it into a curriculum? Graduates will come away with some new and creative ways to hide things.
CALLIOPE MUSIC COMPOSITION
Calliope music is the most offensive, horrific music ever invented. In case you don't know what it is, it's that dreadful pipe-and-organ music you'd hear on a carousel. Scary circus stuff. Even though I hate it, I still think it would be funny to make more.
What's a program YOU'D like to see offered at the new Cazenovia College of Madness? As soon as I can rustle up a few hundred million, I promise we'll make it happen!