On the latest, greatest episode of 'Reign,' King Henry has hit the road to crush some peasants in Alsace, leaving Greer to hang out with her boyfriend in the kitchen, Catherine to tease Mary about Francis banging Olivia and Diana to talk treasonous plans about bribing Cardinals to legitimize Sebastian. But you know what they say: When the King of France is away, some random Italian count will play... at revenge!

Turns out, a year ago, when France was at war with Italy, Count Vincent of Naples lost his son in the shuffle. Not misplaced -- the son was held for ransom and then died, of dysentery, no less, which is so ‘Oregon Trail.’ In any case, C.V. is pissed and has been hiding in the woods waiting for the King to leave so he can take the castle and hold some peeps for some ransom of his own. Catherine tries to get Vincent to take Mary, but Francis makes an offer he can’t refuse by offering himself as a hostage -- a trip from which he is very unlikely to return.

But our Dauphin isn’t the only one who’s in danger. Turns out when soldiers are around, all young ladies are vulnerable. Kenna gets grabbed right away and called the King’s whore, saved only by the diplomatic skills of her Queen. By this point, Mary is like, we hafta get out of here, and heads into the secret tunnels, asking Clarissa to point the way out so they can all escape.

Amazingly, Catherine is down for this plan, which bizarrely involves the Prince, his brothers and ALL OF THE SERVANTS escaping first while the Count and his cronies are dining, and then Mary and her girls sneaking out after begging off to deal with a corset problem. Everyone’s favorite pawn, Olivia, is assigned to man the door, which, of course, only opens from the inside.

Here’s an idea: Don’t have your fiancé’s mistress guard the secret door that locks from the inside. She will bail. And she does! Right after Francis, his brothers, and LITERALLY ALL THE SERVANTS, escape. After a few sad attempts at knocking, Mary, Kenna, Aylee and Lola (Greer is disguised as a servant and hiding in the kitchen, FYI) shuffle back to the awkward dinner with the count, who is just about ready to leave and discover the Prince is missing. In desperation, Queen Catherine tells Vincent and Co. to take Mary and her girls. This is a huge betrayal not only because Catherine opened up to Mary’s gang about being menaced by ungentlemanly soldiers when she was a girl, but also because she assured them they would all be safe.

And they are! Because just as Vincent has Mary pinned on a table, his guards all start dying of poison from the gold she handed out at the beginning of dinner. There really is no such thing as free money, guys. Then Mary stabs Vincent in the throat with a crazy, new fangled “fork”, and for good measure Francis cuts his arm off.

When Mary asks Catherine why she would spare her the attack from Vincent, Catherine suggests it's because she deserves a moment of respect. Mary puts together that Catherine did not make it through her own incident with soldiers as well as she and her friends just had. Catherine is a survivor, that’s for sure.

But so is Diana, who Bash realizes was in on Vincent’s plot to kill all the King’s (legitimate) sons. Court can be a dark place sometimes (all the time).

Happily, the end of the crisis finds our hero Mary finally getting the confession of love she deserves from Francis as well as many smooches in the royal bed. Scandalous! And romantic! Scandalmantic! At least she’s having a better night then poor Olivia, who appears to have been kidnapped by Clarissa.