Why CNY Women Don't Want Lingerie for Valentine's Day

Stop outside any Victoria's Secret during the days before Valentine's Day, and you'll see the store filled with men who look half hopeful, half terrified, picking out tiny, expensive pieces of fabric for their significant others.

Save your money, boys. A survey by EBates says 24% of women don't want lingerie for V-Day. In Central New York, that number is much higher. Let me explain why.

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's February. That means two things: we pretty much JUST gave up on our New Year's Resolution to get in shape and we haven't entered the season where we shave above our ankles yet. We need those extra layers to stay warm.
Have you ever worn lingerie? It's not comfortable. You may think it looks good, but I guarantee your significant other is sucking it in, trying not to bend over and silently praying that nothing pops out where it isn't supposed to.
Chafing. Enough said.
That stuff has to be hand washed. Ain't nobody got time for that.
You think you're smooth, but you know as well as I do that it'll take you two hands, a pair of pliers and a flashlight to figure out how to undo all those straps. And if you try to pull it over our heads, it just ends up like some very non-erotic Fifty Shades of Gray meets traction meets Twister.
God HELP you if you buy the wrong size. Too small? Discomfort and awkwardness. Too large? You're gonna die.
If you spent the same amount of money on Ben & Jerry's ice cream and wine, we'd all be much happier.

Spend your money wisely, gents.