To The Central New Yorkers Who Think Pie Is Acceptable To Bring To A Cookout

Dear residents of Utica, Rome, Syracuse, and the rest of Central New York, who plan on bringing pie to a cookout. This open letter is for you.

We have been brainwashed by fake news media that pie at a cookout/BBQ is an acceptable dessert. This is very false.

"Apple pie is probably the most American dessert option"

Is it though? More American than a cake with an American flag in the frosting? MORE American than a cheese cake, which isn't a pie? More American than "Suckin' on chilli dogs outside the Tastee Freez?"

"Pies are probably one of the most versatile desserts that exist."

You're going to sit there and tell me that pies are more VERSATILE than chocolate? Than nuts? Are you nuts?

The reason we are brainwashed into thinking baking a pie in July is American, is due to false advertising. At some point between 1776-1800, someone must have had a surplus of Apples from the winter to ditch. It was around the Fourth of July, so one farmer thought YOLO and made up a myth it was American to eat. Do I have proof? No.

According to the Smithsonian, neither apples nor the pie originally came from America:

Apples are native to Asia, and have been in America about as long as Europeans have. The early colonists of Jamestown brought European apple tree cuttings and seeds with them. The only native apple in North America was the crab apple, and the colonists found its tiny fruit “a poor substitute for Malus domestica.” Settlers primarily used the apples to make cider, which was preferred to water as a drink and easier to produce than beer, which required labor-intensive land clearing"

This logic shows pies aren't American.

Pies belong in the October - February time window of the year. Why? Because they are a holiday treat. You don't see people chowing down on Candy Canes in August.

Here's my final thoughts:

1) No one wants to bake a pie when it's 95 degrees outside.

2) Pie is too filling and weighs you down in the summer months.

3) Chilled pies are imposters, they should be called something different. I'm looking at you Coconut Cream Pie or Key Lime.

Please re think your pies in July,

Love,

Dave Wheeler.