We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy gum and Red Bull this week and here's what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, the Star, the Globe and OK!

Once again, avoiding the express line definitely has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • Janet Jackson is hiding a secret Muslim life from her fans. So secret, in fact, she doesn’t even know about it.
    • One of the celebrities on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ says the show is rigged. Rigged to somehow keep us watching even though the shine wore off at least three seasons ago.
    • Honey Boo Boo’s mom June has been telling lies. Like the one about how her ill-mannered, redneck daughter should be in beauty pageants.
    • Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy eloped in Vegas. Kids, kids. One step at a time. Prom first, wedding later.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • New Jersey’s sixth favorite 'Real Housewife' Teresa Giudice revealed why she had a meltdown. She stood too close to something hot and now all the king’s horses and all the king’s men have to put her plastic parts back together again.
    • Khloe Kardashian and husband Lamar Odom are fighting over a baby. Nobody is sure where they found it, but everyone assumes it must smell like money.
    • JWoww Farley, another favorite New Jersey resident, is engaged. She hasn’t decided if she’ll take his name when they marry, but she does intend to take his money when they divorce.
    • New documentation proves Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were legally married. Divorce lawyers everywhere begin salivating anew.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Tom Cruise is leaving Scientology. But since he did it in a UFO, no one's really buying it.
    • There is a secret truth behind Tori Spelling’s “emergency surgery.” Due to a terrible mix-up, she went in to have her gall bladder removed and they took out a baby instead.
    • Kristen Stewart humiliated Robert Pattinson by saying he’s lousy in bed. Said Pattinson, “Considering that I’m not usually the person she’s in bed with, how would she know?”
    • There's a secret behind Lady Gaga’s weight gain. Of course, now that she’s gained the weight, her behind is pretty much out there and not a secret at all anymore.
  • Globe

    • Fading fast, Kenny Rogers is telling all before he dies. Shocking information like when to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em, when to walk away and when to run.
    • Prince William threatens to expose all of Camilla’s dirty secrets if she doesn’t lay off Kate. And the rest of the world threatens to throw up in their mouths a little bit.
    • John Travolta is too gay to play John Gotti in a movie. Too bad. We were looking forward to seeing Gotti in that white polyester suit.
    • Shirley MacLaine says Ronald Reagan met with space aliens. And that’s where Tip O’Neill and trickle down economics came from.
  • OK!

    • Kim and Khloe tell OK! that they’re having babies. Then they said that after lunch they’d probably take a walk and do some shopping.
    • Kourtney Kardashian and baby daddy Scott say “Don’t believe the lies.” Even if the lies are a lot more interesting than their actual lives?
    • There's a photo album of the moms from ‘Teen Mom’ when they were kids. Which are just the pictures of them from last week … when they were kids.
    • Christina Aguilera told her record label that she’s happy being fat. "I want to be mistaken for Lady Gaga," declared the pop star.