You might want to send this to all your friends who are considering relocation--maybe for personal reasons, maybe for job prospects, possibly for retirement.

Do not consider moving to Utica. Take it from someone who moved here a couple of years ago. Your life would be filled with heartache, sorrow, and regret. Here's why...

Too many free activities, especially in the summer. The Levitt AMP Utica Music Series Monday evenings at Kopernik Park offers nationally-acclaimed musical acts, along with local favorites. Picnic in the Park Tuesday nights on the Parkway at Roscoe Conkling Park. Saranac Thursdays at the FX Matt's Brewery, featuring local bands and brews. Munson Williams Proctor Arts Institute's First Fridays, combining music, food, drinks, and art.

Credit: Michelle Truett / TSM
Photo Courtesy Michelle Truett

Admit it: you have a headache now just THINKING about all that free entertainment. Spare yourself.

Property is too affordable. A serious red flag. Similar to the property values in southern boomtowns like Charlotte or Chattanooga. Go buy some real estate in, like, San Francisco; bet you can get about 1,000 square feet for only a half million. And you'd have a lot more time to think, because you'd be sitting in traffic for a couple of hours every time you checked in on your investment.

The people are too trustworthy. They must be hiding something. Take Matt Nimey. He travels the Northeast on a weekly basis, looking for great used cars to purchase, then he and his team of auto technicians at Nimey's the New Generation fine-tune them to present to the consumer at a reasonable cost. And he's not concerned about his profit margin, so he's not jacking up the price to maximize the sale. He figures a happy customer will be a returning customer. You can't possibly trust a guy with a solid philosophy like that.

An overabundance of food choices. Lebanese. Italian. Polish. Greek. Barbecue. Mexican. Asian. Take it from a tortured Libra like me: you want to be someplace where there aren't so many options and decisions are easier.

The natural beauty is staggering. The Adirondacks. Delta Lake. Cedar Lake. The convergence of the Mohawk River and the Erie Canal. The views at the Utica Zoo. All in close proximity. You'll waste too much valuable time appreciating the great outdoors and you won't have enough time left for video games.

Beautiful View From the 'Life in the Adirondacks' Exhibit
Naomi Lynn/TSM

See. Utica is clearly not for you. Case closed. If you'd like to add to this list, please drop us a note on our Lite 98.7 Facebook page.

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