So you want to throw the Super Bowl of Super Bowl parties. We’ve all been there. Nothing makes you the toast of the town quite like a supremely awesome Super Bowl party does. It can be done, but how?

Have a Giant TV

watching the game and some puppies

First and foremost, it is very important that everyone at your Super Bowl party has the ability to watch the Super Bowl. While this may seem obvious, remember they aren’t coming over to check out your collection of Hummel figurines. The average Super Bowl party has 17 people. This makes viewing difficult. We suggest having more than one TV set showing the game. Just make sure the TVs aren’t out of sync. If one set is slightly ahead of the other because of a lag in your digital receiver, the people in the back room who will hear everyone in the front room cheering before the play is finished. And that’s a serious Super Bowl party foul.

Divide and Conquer

wall of monitors showing the game at MGM Sports Book

Of course, there will also be people at this party who have no interest in the Super Bowl. This means that if your team didn’t even get to the play-offs (you know who you are), you’re only going to be interested in the commercials. So, try to have the room full of people who want to talk during the game and sit reverently during the hilarious ad featuring dogs dressed like ‘Star Wars’ characters separate from the room full of people (or person) who want to sit in silence during the game and gab during the commercials.

Ban the Kids

a kid in a net

It’s a little-known fact that people will inevitably have to bring their kids to your party. It’s hard to get a sitter on a day when everyone is partying. (It’s also hard to get a sitter if nobody likes your kids, but that’s another story.) So, you can imagine that the kids at your party are going to need some entertainment to keep them out of the way of the Bowl watchers. Kids do not have the attention span for drawn out sporting events, particularly those that cut to commercial every 90 seconds. Make sure there’s a separate room where the kids can play. Preferably a block or two down the street. And make sure they have their own snacks, because “grubby fingers” shouldn’t be an ingredient in the snacks the grown ups are munching on.

Have an Armada of Snacks

so much food for the big game

It’s a Super Bowl party– snacks are a no-brainer. It’s impossible to enjoy hyped-up football games without the proper amount of carbs, fats, sweets, barbecued things, stuff to dip things in, miniature snacks and pizza. To do this right, at a minimum, you must have one of everything. Not just a selection of a few types of snacks, but one of every single snack, munchie and junk food known to man. A snack army, if you will.

Offer More than Just Lite Beer

Beverage Bowl

And, if you do the food right, you’ll need beverages to wash it down. Everyone thinks a different kind of beer is the best beer ever, so you’ll need every single kind of beer on the market. Now, not everyone drinks beer, so in order to be a good host, you have to have every other kind of beverage available. (Except for Zima. Nobody drinks Zima.) And something for the kids spiked with a tasteless, colorless substance that will make them sleepy.

Provide Modern Amenities

a bathroom with a television

If you’re going to serve all of this food and drink, then the next important thing to have on hand is at least two functioning indoor restrooms. Based on the menu, traffic here will be pretty steady, so make sure they’re stocked up with supplies and air freshener. And, it wouldn’t hurt to have the game playing in there as well. So keep a radio handy unless you’re a Richie Rich with a TV next to your commode. Nobody wants to miss the one interesting play of the day because nature doesn’t have cable and can’t tell when it’s a good time to call.

Sop It, Mop It and Bag It

the mess after the big party

And, if human nature is at all predictable, these snacks, beverages and children are going to lead to massive mess-making. Do not allow any person into your home before you’ve stockpiled a colossal amount of paper towels, stain remover and trash bags. Super Bowls cause super messes. Don’t be caught unprepared.

Ante Up

winning a dollar in a bet

The only real way to keep the game interesting for everyone other than the one Giants fan in your midst is to create a betting pool. But, keep in mind that in many places gambling and betting pools are illegal. To keep it on the up-and-up, have people play for Starbucks cards or expired Miller Light Taste Points. It’s really the competition that counts. Also, be creative and have people bet on something other than the game, like who will spill their drink first, which husband and wife will get into a public argument over a private matter, or which couple will try to leave their kids when they go.

Don’t Invite the Party Pooper

a couple of weirdos

It’s well documented that every party has a pooper. And, for this reason, you must be sure everyone brings with them a high tolerance for the minutia of sports trivia and Super Bowl factoids. Milt from the office will be there and he will probably talk more than usual, if that’s possible. And, you know everyone knows how to coach a pro football team, so be prepared to endure a whole lot of arm chair coaching.

Prepare for the Worst

the kids conked out while watching

Finally, back-up, back-up, back-up. It’s very important to have contingency plans. This is a big day and things can go wrong. You need a back-up for everything. Have a spare TV in case your main set breaks. Make sure you have antenna service ready in case the dish or cable goes out. Get the fastest pizza delivery place on speed dial in case the food gets ravaged by the dog or the kids or your drunk friend Scotty. And, just in case the game and the commercials really stink and everyone gets bored, have two sets of Pictionary, 7 pads of paper, and 42 markers at the ready.

BONUS: Do Not Spend the Day Referring to Everything as “The Super Bowl of…”

"Bad Party" candles

Just don’t.

If you keep these few, but important, details in mind, you’ll surely go down in history as the host who threw the Super Bowl of Super Bowl parties.

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